So What Now? Dealing with big life changes in your sixties

For many women, their sixties can be a period of significant change. This can be because of retirement, children growing up and leaving home, divorce, or the loss of a spouse. In some cases, it can be a combination of all of the above. With these life changes can come psychological and emotional upheaval and a loss of identity and purpose. Suddenly we are no longer the worker, the care giver, the wife. So, what now?

The Three Stage Transition

Every significant life change comes with an emotional and psychological transition for the individual involved. Studies of human rites of passage have established that we don’t go straight from one stage of our lives into another. There is an intermediate phase where we let go of our old identity and form a new one. According to Bridges model of transition this happens in three stages:

1. Ending, losing and letting go 
2. The Neutral Zone
3. The New Beginning.

Stage 1: Ending, losing and letting go

All new beginnings start with an ending. This first phase of transition starts when you contemplate what you are leaving behind and learn to manage the loss. It’s a time to reflect, to talk through memories and to consider what you will miss from your old life. It’s also a time to think about the positive aspects; your achievements and all those life experiences that are part of who and what you are.  They will give you strength and confidence as you move forward. You get to decide what is over, what should be left behind and what you want to take with you. It is your time to detach and move forward. As James Clear, author of Atomic Habits puts it:

“It’s hard to grow beyond something if you won’t let go of it.”

It took me two years to get through this phase after the death of my husband Tim. My identity and sense of purpose had been so tied up in caring for him for the previous thirteen years, that when he died, his loss and my seeming loss of self, were overwhelming. Gradually over time though, I remembered the person I had been before his illness. I remembered the me who had a successful career in the City, who had a first class degree in humanities and who had the strength to get through the bad years. I wanted to take those attributes with me, together with memories of a happy marriage to a wonderful man. Conversely, I want to leave behind the guilt, the worry, the stress, and the tears. I want to let go but not forget.

This sense of loss and adjustment is the same whether you have lost a spouse as I did, or whether you have retired from a career that gave you purpose and meaning. You must identify what you are losing and learn how to manage the loss. You determine what is over and should be left behind. Conversely you also decide what you want to keep, friends, possessions, memories etc.

So, having let go what next?

Stage 2: The Neutral Zone

“The essence of life takes place in the neutral zone phase of transition. It is in that interim spaciousness that all possibilities, creativity and innovative ideas can come to life and flourish.”

            – Susan Bridge, Transition Management Expert

This is the bridge between the old and the new, where we decide for ourselves what our future lives will be. 

For women in their sixties there is no clear precedent for what our lives should look like. The twentieth century idea of ‘learn, earn, retire’ is no longer applicable, since our life expectancy is now so much greater. We may be in retirement almost as long as we have worked. Today’s sixty-something woman is also better educated and more self-sufficient than previous generations who have reached this life stage. We also expect to maintain our vitality and relevance in our later years. Representations of older women in the media however can be pretty negative. We are often ignored and when we are mentioned it’s with reference to our appearance. 

So where can we get inspiration? Through reading, learning, and challenging ourselves to try something new. This is our chance to be creative, to experiment to step outside our comfort zone. Here are a few ideas that have worked for me:

Change your way of thinking

Look at ways of reframing your situation and changing your perspective. If something happens in life that we cannot change, we have to accept it. But what we can do is alter the way we think about it.  For instance, “Something happened” is a fact. “Something happened and it’s bad” is our interpretation of the fact, and is in our control. It is only bad because we perceive it as such. Try to reframe events and see them instead as an opportunity or a challenge.

Ryan Holiday’s The Obstacle is the Way has a very useful section on perception.

Another thing to try is to change the way you talk to yourself. Changing the words we use internally, can change our lives for the better. “I can’t do that”, becomes “I can do anything if I put my mind to it.” “It will never happen”, changes to “I can see a way that this could happen.” Changing your inner monologue can be difficult, but Tony Robbins has some good advice on how to do this in an article entitled Change your words, Change your life.

Do something new

You are becoming a new person, so you need to try on lots of new things to see what fits. It doesn’t matter if you’re rubbish. This is the neutral zone and failure is a learning experience. Learn a new skill or a new language, travel to new places, push yourself out of your comfort zone. Taking a risk and facing the possibility of failure can be exhilarating and life affirming. What have you got to lose? In the words of Tony Robbins:

“No matter how many mistakes you make or how slow your progress, you’re still way ahead of everyone who isn’t trying.”

I’m very much still in this phase of transition. My ‘big new thing’ is starting this blog. It’s my way of transitioning in public if you like. I have no idea how it’s going to turn out, or if anyone will ever read it, but hey, I’m having a go.

Set personal goals

Set some personal goals for this phase. Write them down and revisit them. Having goals gives you a sense of purpose, and a reason to get up in the morning. Clearly define your goals, set a timeframe, and monitor them. 

I have set a goal to write two blog posts a week for the next three months. There, I’ve written it down and am now accountable.

Stage 3: New Beginning

You reach your new beginning when you realize that you have arrived at a new you. You know who you are now, and what you want. That doesn’t mean you stop moving forward. Hopefully by this stage you’ll be committed to a growth mindset and life-long learning.

You will move forward from a secure place, with a clear personal identity, high energy, open to continuing to build the skills to live your best life.

Conclusion

Ultimately it is up to each one of us to find our own way from one life stage to the next. Remember though, take your time and to be kind to and forgiving of yourselves. There will be many bumps in the road, but just keep moving forward, one step at a time.

Have you been through this later life transition or are you like me, a work in progress? I would love to hear your experiences so please comment in the section below.

Thanks for reading, Sian.

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